Transitions

from exhaustion to grace

So my summer season at the Pittsburgh Project is over. It was a challenging season, but very good. I feel like I grew and stretched a great deal. The bottom line of work like ours is that vulnerable people were loved, the Gospel was preached (though some missed it), and community was built even if only for a week or so. The hope in the midst of all this, my greatest hopes are that God was glorified and that I was useful in some way.

The other bottom line, at the moment is that I am exhausted. The mental, emotional, and spiritual marathon that has been the last six months (give or take) has had a pretty big toll on me. I'm looking forward to shutting my brain off for a few days in about a week. But first...

I have to retake the exegesis ordination exam. I'll get the exam questions tomorrow and I have to be done writing by Thursday morning. I'm not sure if it is the exhaustion or the season of ministry behind, but I am once again returning to my old thoughts of wondering if this whole ordination dealie is worth anything. It still feels like picking a side when the fact of the matter is that God wants us to be One as He is One. Now with that said, I have seen one major benefit of being in a denomination this summer; instant credibility (in select circles). The fact that I am pursuing PC(USA) ordination is a point of connection for a lot of folks that makes doing my job a little bit easier. Still, can I justify putting so much time, effort, and money into something that...never mind. If you've heard me talk at all, you've heard this all before.

Even working for an agency that has social justice at its heart, I am often confronted with whether or not I am doing enough. I rarely get my hands dirty. Though I may be gonig to Findlay, OH to help a group that comes to the Project on regular basis in the aftermath of the flooding. Still, I'm surrounded by need. Being overwhelmed by need and feeling exhasuted is a pretty awful combination.

It is a combination that reminds me, however, that I need grace. The kind of grace that allows me to take a nap in the boat while the storm is raging and the waves are crashing. The kind of grace that allows me to rest in the arms of people who aren't feeling the tired that I'm feeling. The kind of grace that reminds me that I'm not Superman. Or Batman. Or Aquaman. You get the point. Knowing I don't have to solve everything gives me the freedom to solve what I can and pray for what I can't, knowing that even what I can solve is only by God's grace.

I'm sure this is a point I will have to revisit over and over again. Those of us in ministry so often superimpose our faces over that of Christ and we need to be remind that He must increase and we must decrease. Somehow, when you're already feeling pretty small, that is a comfort.

from student to student leader

Sorry I haven't been so good about keeping you updated on the details of my life. I'm hoping at some point, life will slow down enough for my blogging to be a more regular occurrence.

Anyway, I just found out a piece of news (the good variety) that almost made me cry. Yes, me. Mr. Dead on the inside. So I was scanning the list of leaders that are bringing students to the Pittsburgh Project next week. One of the leaders who is coming was a stuednt in my small group back in 2007. When I met him, he was a middle schooler, now he's bringing a group of middle schoolers! Granted, he's just a student leader because he's under 21, but he's still a leader. On one hand it makes me feel really old. On the other hand, it makes me feel really proud. This kid followed me like a lost puppy when he came as a sixth grader. I'd like to think I had some influence on his life. I also wish I had done a better job of staying in touch with him over the years. Hopefully after we reconnect next week, we can stay in better touch.

I feel kinda sappy, but this is the closest thing I've gotten to being one of those youth leaders who gets to watch his/her kids grow up and become youth leaders. It's pretty emotional.

...alright, apparently I need to go watch Die Hard or something before I start to gush.

from fairly moderate to flaming liberal

Well, I saw this coming. I have become a flaming liberal. That is certainly not true by SFTS standards, but definitely true by the standards of those here in Pittsburgh. I feel like I may be fighting the good fight all alone on some issues that I didn't even realize were all that important to me.

Por ejemplo: One of my co-workers was telling me about her church (non-denominational) deciding to go a system of governance with elders and the equivalent of deacons. She then mentions that the deacon-equivalent people can be either male or female, but that the elders hae to be men. I asked her, quite innocently I thought, what was the thinking behind having only male elders. Her response: "Ummm...the Bible!" I just smiled and nodded. She then said, "I'm sure you Presbyterians just fold down the pages on that part of the Bible" Hilarious!!!

I've been really shocked by how archaic some of what I hear sounds to me now. The funny thing is that it is coming from folks that I totally agreed with three years ago. What did SFTS do to me?!

Actually, truth be told, I think I may be more appreciative of where I went to school now that I'm finished. By understanding of God has broadened significantly. Personally, I like having a pretty big and inclusive God. The big threat I'm facing now is becoming close-minded towards close-minded people. Or at least closed-minded towards those that I perceive to be close-minded.

All of this has made me realize what I'm willing to fight for. I'm coming to understand that my opinions on certain issues have become so passionate that I'm not willing to back off of them. That might put me in some perilous predicaments in the near future. Frankly, that is the way I want to live my life anyway.

from so so to pretty snazzy

If you haven't recently, check out the Pittsburgh Project's website. It has received a pretty significant update courtesy of our process improvement manager. It may be of some particular interest for those who may be reading this blog that the mission advancement manager for this organization is one photogenic cat! Go to the about link and then hit where it says Staff and Board. I'm in the organizational development department. Sounds very official, but my first week here neighborhood kids were pelting me with whipped cream pies. Yep, seminary was well worth it.

From San Anselmo to Pittsburgh

I would apologize for not blogging in such a long time, but really if you're upset about that, you have bigger issues to wrestle with. I've been busy! Deal!

Where to begin? Well let's start with the actual trip. We were supposed to be having our car shipped by an auto transport company. They were supposed to email us a day before we left so that we would know when they were coming to pick up the car. Well, the day came and went and we heard nothing. We contacted the company who proceeded to tell us that they might have a driver for us sometime between the 22nd and the 29th. Might. I reminded them that our moving date was May 22nd. They seemed unphased. Needless to say, we panicked. After franticly trying to find another car shipping company who could get the car out of our possession before we left, we resigned ourselves to towing the car ourselves.

Picture, if you will, my wife and I driving across the country in a ten foot uhaul with our subaru on a flatbed trailing behind us. That was our reality for six days. We were told not to take the truck above 45mph. The first day or so, that's pretty much what we did. After awhile, we started speeding like every other truck on the road. Still, the first day of gettnig used to the truck was painfully slow. We had hoped to make it to Vegas on the first day. We only got as far as Bakersfield.

It gets worse. We were using the GPS system my in-laws gave us for Christmas. On our second day, we entered a address for our second destination which was supposed to take us about twenty miles south of the Grand Canyon. Well, the address that the GPS was taking us to was not where we thougt we were going. We should have known something was wrong when it took us into the southern tip of Utah. Around 11:30 pm on day two, the GPS was telling us that we were getting close to our destination. The road signs wer telling us that we were coming up on the northern tip of the Grand Canyon. A little later, we were told by the GPS that we had arrived at our destination. We were in the middle of nowhere and it was midnight. Again, panic set in. I had to do a three point turn with the truck and trailer (it was probably more of an eleven point turn) and we drove back to where we last saw civilization. To make a long story short, at 3:30am, we pulled into a Travelodge in Kanaph, Utah. We had an 11am checkout time. We were not happy.

The rest of the trip was less eventful and therefore more pleasant. Day 3 we made it from Kanaph to Albequerque. Day 4, Albequerque to Bartlesville, OK where we were going to visit Marnie's grandfather. Day 5, stayed in Bartlesville. Day 6, Bartlesville to Terra Haute, IN. Day 7, Terra Haute to Pittsburgh where we immediately moved everything that we own into our new apartment (which, incidently, is frickin' sweet!) Day 8, I started work. We saw alot of the beauty of God's creation. We appreciated very little of it. Our country is too damn big! 

from seminarian to alumnus

When I woke up this morning, I hadn't graduated from seminary. When I go to bed, I will be a graduate of San Francisco Theological Seminary. Weird, huh?

It hasn't exactly sunk in that I'm done. It is a strange feeling of accomplishment that I have. Strange, because I worked so much harder the first few years than I did this past year. In some ways, I feel like I have been done academically for awhile.

The seminary presdiednt makes a comment about conferring upon us the rights and privileges that come with a Masters of Divinity. I've been wondering what those rights and privileges are. Low wages? Session meetings? The frustrations of matching your "call" and your gifts? Or is it the privileges of getting to be with people in their lowest moments. The privilege of baptizing an infant. The privilege of baptizing an adult. The privilege of presiding over a funeral.

Well, the fact of the matter is it is about both the good and the bad. I feel like I'm stepping into a really big world today. Our baccalaureate speaker talked about us being threads in a tapestry. I feel that right now. A lot of people have accomplished what I have. I feel like I joined a fraternity this morning, and I don't mean that in a perjorative sense. People have asked me if I feel any different. I typically respond with a joke about having mastered divinity. The truth of the matter is that I do feel different. I have been changed. I'm coming out of the furnace. I'm sure I'll have a similar feeling after being ordained.

I never really took the time to think about what this day might mean to me. For many, it brings anxiety. Leaving the relative safety of seminary for who knows what. I have the fortune of knowing where I'm going (I'll save that for another post). Finishing seminary feels like taking the scenic route home. Maybe finishing at THIS seminary feels like taking the scenic route home. I don't know.

This is rambly. I'm pretty tired and really emotional. More of both than I expected. My life is different and I wanted to write about it. I didn't really know what was going to come out, I just knew I wanted to write about it. I am a seminary graduate.

I have mastered divinty! 

from Paris Hilton to Mumia Abu Jamal

So recently two efforts have been circulating around the internet to keep people out of jail. Let's deal with the first thing first. The following is the Paris Hilton petition. I have highlighted the portions I find particularly comical:

To:
The Honorable Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger

Paris Whitney Hilton is an American celebrity and socialite. She is an heiress to a share of the Hilton Hotel fortune, as well as to the real estate fortune of her father Richard Hilton. She provides hope for young people all over the U.S. and the world. She provides beauty and excitement to (most of) our otherwise mundane lives.

Hilton is notable for her leading roles on the FOX reality series The Simple Life and in the remake of the Vincent Price horror classic "House of Wax". In addition to her work as an actress, she has achieved some recognition as a model, celebrity spokesperson, singer, and writer. (sidebar: didn't she receive recognition for something else?)

As most of America now knows, Ms. Hilton was just charged in a Los Angeles court with DUI and sentenced to 45 days in Century Regional Detention Facility in California beginning on or before June 5, 2007.

We, the American public who support Paris, are shocked, dismayed and appalled by how Paris has been the person to be used as an example that Drunk Driving is wrong. We do not support drunk driving or DUI charges. Paris should have been sober. But she shouldn't go to jail, either.

As depicted on Friday night's episode "Nancy Grace" on Headline News (May 4, 2007), countless celebrities have been "slapped on the wrist" for similar incidents recently. Nick Nolte, Mel Gibson, Tracy Morgan, Wynonna Judd, to name a few, were arrested and never did a day in jail after their initial arrests for drunk driving /DUI /DWI charges. Rappers Busta Rhymes and Eve still walk free after both being arrested for the same charges as Ms. Hilton just this past week. Brandy's California Highway accident, although no proof of DUI was evidenced in her accident, resulting in the death of a young wife and mother in California, yet Brandy walks free as of today, never doing any time and A WOMAN HAS BEEN KILLED most likely due to her reckless driving!

Yet, Paris Hilton did not hurt, injure, or kill anyone or anything, and yet she must do jail time.


This petition is to ask Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger to pardon Paris Hilton for her mistake. Please allow her to her return to her career and life. Everyone makes mistakes. She didn't hurt or kill anyone, and she has learned her lesson. She is sincere, apologetic, and full of regret for her actions as she explained tearfully to the Judge handling her case in court yesterday.She is distraught and understandably afraid.  (worl'd's tiniest violin playing for Paris Hilton)

WE NEED YOUR SUPPORT to save our Paris from ending up at the Century Regional Detention Facility! Please sign to tell The Honorable Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger of the State of California, to think about the welfare of this young woman who has made a mortal error and deserves a second chance like so many others in our great nation have been served with after a mistake they have made . If the late Former President Gerald Ford could find it in his heart to pardon the late Former President Richard Nixon after his mistake(s), we undeniably support Paris Hilton being pardoned for her honest mistake as well, and we hope and expect The Governor will understand and grant this unusual but important request in good faith to Ms. Paris Whitney Hilton.  (hilarious!!!!) 

Okay, I obviously don't have much sympathy for PH. Forty-five days in resort, girl's camp prison don't strike me as too bad. I hope Arnold pardons her sometime in September. That would be funny.

What's not funny is an email I received from a friend of mine this week. I'm not sure if the Mumia Abu Jamal case was big on the West Coast, but it was a big deal in PA for awhile. Here's the letter I received:

Hi Friends,

Perhaps you may know about Mumia Abu Jamal and his situation, why he is an icon and/or his writings.  In the last few weeks I have been meeting with a group of folks from around Pittsburgh (including Say, my housemate) who are quickly trying to raise awareness on his case because he is going in front of the 3rd Circuit Court  of Appeals in Philadelphia on May 17.  If his case is approved, he will be able to attempt to have his case overturned again.  If he is denied, Governor Rendell will probably seek a moratorium and he could be killed within a year of the decision.

I find this case of great importance not only because Mumia has maintained his innocence of killing a police officer since arrest in December 1981, but because of its implications in the fairness of the law. 

The United States Justice System is supposed to stand on 4 main pillars of justice.  The right to 1) a jury amongst peers, 2) an impartial judge, 3) evidence of facts,  and 4) a competent lawyer.  Mumia received none of these.  Instead...

1) In a city (Philadelphia) of 40% African Americans, only one jury member was black.

2) The judge had been heard by another judge and a stenographer as saying "I'm going to help them (the jury) fry the n******."

3) There was no ballistics test on Mumia after the crime was committed.  The bullet in the officer was not the type that went in the gun Mumia legally owned

4) The lawyer assigned to Mumia went in front of the judge asking to be removed from the case because of his own incompetencies and lack of resources.  The judge denied the request.

This case is of great importance, not because of only one man who had was unjustly convicted, but because of its implications for justice in a racist system.

I strongly urge you to raise your voice against injustice in our world and take part in the vigil to occur on May 16th.  Thanks for reading and for your consideration in taking part in such important event(s).  I realize some of you are not in the Pittsburgh area, but if these issues are important to you, I am sure there is a group meeting that is also concerned about the life of Mumia and the cause of peace and justice on his behalf.

Now this is a real issue of justice that will not get the kind of press that Li'l miss "American Celebrity" will receive, but it is a matter of a man's life and it seriously questions the integrity of our justice system. I'm proud that I have freinds whose faith compels them to seek out justice for those whose voices go unheard. I hope any readers I have that are in the Pittsburgh area will attend the planned vigils. My own faith compels me the see what I can do to be of service.

Let justice roll down like water...

from significance to insignificance (and hopefully back again)

Sorry I haven't blogged in awhile. I know I have a few occasional readers whose insomnia must be cured.

My life has become rather tumultuous lately. My family feels like a load of bricks on my back. My wife and I just had an attempt to buy a house completely fall apart on us. My last semester of seminary is quickly drawing to a close, a fact that is supposed to be bringing me copious amounts of joy, but currently is just bringing anxiety...

On top of all of this is the pesky issue of my role in the world. in a sermon I gave a couple of weeks ago, I described poverty as a lack of options. I am not poor. I have a lot of options, which brings up the issue of responsibility. What does one do with the options they have? How do I contribute to God's plan for the world?

In 2004 when I entered seminary, we were asked a question: what did you leave behind to come to seminary? I was reminded recently that my answer was that I gave up significance to come to seminary. I gave up the significance I had in the ministries Iwas involved in. I gave up the significance that one has in the lives of others when they see you on a day-in, day-out basis. I gave up my own sense of who I was and moved 3,000 miles across the country. In some ways, this has been the best part of the experience. What resulted was that I got to re-invent myself (to some extent) as a version of myself that is closer to what I want to be. The shadow side of this is that I also (unconsciously) drank several kool-aids: the Presbyterian Kool-Aid, the Reformed theology Kool-aid, the liturgical worship Kool-aid, and worst of all, the west coast kool-aid. I've started buying into systems that I formerly criticized. Grantted I still criticize, but I feel like criticism has more credability when you critique from within.

So what was that long, rambly proceeding paragraph about? Well, I left Pittsburgh and felt like I left a  piece of my significance (identity?) behind. In the process of three years of seminary, I have gained new significances and identity markers which I now must leave behind again. I feel like people on the west coast have gotten to know a better version of me. Of course, that "better" version is only better (if he really is) because of maturing that has occurred here. For some strange reason, I have this fear that the things I learned and the places where I have grown will suddenly disappear as sson as I see the sign that read "Welcome to Pennsylvania".

Of course that's ridiculous. No one ever said fears have to be rational. I know that I will be the me that I am, the me that is growing, has grown, and will grow. It feels easier to wear the mantle of leadership out here. No one has baby pictures of me here. No one has seen me do stupid skits. Except my wife (on both counts).

The thing forme to focus on right now is what it is that actually gives me significance. It isn't a title, a degree, an ordination. It is my capacity to love and to be loved. I could certainly use some work on both of those areas...

from deeply cynical to audaciously hopeful?

So a bunch of my friends went to see Barack Obama speak in Oaklnad this weekend. I, instead, went to a beer festival. I think I chose wisely.

Seriously though, everyone has jumped onboard the Obama bandwagon. I admit, I like the guy alot. The Audacity of Hope is the next book on my "to read" list. Maybe that will put me over the edge.

So why the cynicsm, you ask. Well, a couple of things. First off, I have only gotten to vote in two presidential elections. I'll end the suspense now and say the guy I voted for lost both times. Most of the time when I look at poliitcs, it looks like the system is designed for the sole purpose of keeping certain people and interests in power and in the spotlight. I have to say, of all the casualties that have taken place in during the Bush administration, my loss of trust in the system may be the most personal one.

I guess that leads to my second misgiving; Barack Obama is a politician. Yes, he says the right things. He's inspiring, he seems to be able to unify the nation and he wants the war to end. All of those are good things. Still, politicians are trained to say things people want to hear. He's charismatic. The danger with charismatic people is that they can get by on their charisma without actually following through on promises.

I guess the other thing is the moral that I took from David Kuo's book Tempting Faith. We've put to much faith, hope, trust...whatever in politicians and politics to make the world a better place when in reality, it has been grassroot efforts, churches, community organizations, and inspired individuals that have changed the world. While I don't agree with Kuo's conclusion that Christians should disengage with politics, I do believe that we already have someone to inspire us, someone we can put all of our hopes and trust in. Politicians will always let us down.

With all that said, if the election was today, I would most certainly vote for Obama. And I think I could do so without feeling like I was voting for the lesser of two evils. My hope is that he really is all that he claims to be. I hope that he can lead the nation in a way that is not polarizing. I hope he can lead in a way that is truly bi-partisan. I hope he can continue to inspire people the way that he has pretty much since the Democratic National Convnetion in 2004 where he gave one of the best political speeches I have ever heard. So I support Barack, but I'm not holding my breath.

from "Weston Global" to "Weston Local"

Pretty much since the Holidays, I have been dealing with family stuff. Well, I've been dealing with it at times, and other times I have not, both with traumatic effect. There are some hard things in my family history. Since mid-January I have been discussing these hard things with a counselor. He has helped me a great deal. He has helped me realize that I have some compulsive behaviors that have developed as coping mechanisms from my childhood. Those things, which may have served as adaptations when I was in my youth are now maladaptive as an adult. For some reason it is hard for me to accept that my childhood may have been traumatic. I have this illusion that everyone grew up with the kind of stuff that I did. Even now I hesitate to use the word "abuse". Maybe more folks have had abusive childhoods than I think and we have all coped in different ways.

In any case, I have been thinking about this in terms of my re-entry into family life in Pittsburgh. One of the best things that has come out of counseling is the realization that I need to create very firm boundaries with my family when I move back to Pittsburgh. By the time we move home, Marnie and I will have spent more time as a married couple in California than we did in Pittsburgh. People really don't know us as a couple. We have developed habits and rhythms. We have a culture. It has some flaws, but overall, it is a healthy culture where we are both nurtured and are happy. One of my main priorities when I move home will be to protect that culture. I'm not saying that our marriage is an impenetrable fortress...well, in some ways I am. Or at least I want it to be. My point is that there are alot of pathologies that I would like to protect our relationship from. I am growing in an understanding that as a husband, and hopefully sometime soon as a father, my primary concern is to protect my household and sometimes that means protecting them from my family. That's a hard thing for me to say. I don't want to close the door to my extended family. My deepest desire is to be a healing presence in my family, but I have some of my own healing to do first. Some of that includes expressing some anger, and I'm not good at that.

Anyway, like all of my thoughts, this one is still in motion.  I guess what I'm dealing with is the definition of "family". I guess I've been dealing with that for awhile.